Last week my girlfriend Christine called me and was very upset. You see she had met this man and had been “dating” and I say that loosely and will explain why. This very good catch, a successful man we’ll call Keith, suddenly stopped calling Christine. She was really heartbroken because she thought that Keith could potentially be Mr. Right.
Being the good friend that I am, I sat on the phone with Christine for over two hours. I let her pour her heart out and listened to her talk. She told me about he sometimes acted hot and cold towards her and gave her mixed messages. All the times they met up were on his terms and the relationship was mostly physical.
She thought she was just being neurotic as she usually tries to find fault with all the men she dates and perhaps she was just self-sabotaging this new potential relationship. Other times she made excuses for his lack of interest by saying to herself that he was a busy man with a lot of responsibilities, that he had other more important commitments, etc.
After I hung up with Christine, I realized that I had to write this for all the other women who are missing the huge red flags that this man is just not that into you.
And yes, there are red flags that are waving you down and telling you to stop and take a look at the type of time you are investing in someone who clearly has no intentions of committing himself to you.
Signs He’s Not Interested in You
Before we delve into the 10 signs that show that a man is not that into you, we must first talk about recognizing and interpreting human behavior, or should I say failing to recognize and misinterpreting the social cues that humans give out when interacting with each other.
Social cues are verbal and non-verbal signs that guide social interactions among children, teenagers, and adults. Types of social cues can range from facial expressions, the tone of voice, body language (read my blog post on body language), gestures, and in the world of dating and relationships, ACTIONS.
You’ve heard of the old adage, “actions speak louder than words.” This has never been truer when trying to navigate through the often confusing world of dating and figuring out if a person of the opposite sex is really interested in you or not.
Using social cues can help us “read” a person’s feelings even though the words he may be expressing may be in opposite contrast to what he’s saying.
Social cues are also related to intuition. That little feeling that we get inside that tells us that something is off or that something is about to happen, is based on cues and signals that a person gives off. We may not be consciously aware that we are picking up on these social cues because most people just pick up on them on a subconscious level.
However, not recognizing these cues can get a person in relationship black hole because if you are ignoring the signals or are making excuses for the signals the potential mate is sending you, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
A man who is not that into you will send or give out signals.
If you remember the 2009 movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, we meet three women, Gigi, Beth, and Janine as they try to navigate the world of misinterpretation of signals given out by their men. One takeaway from that movie is that things are exactly as they seem. Don’t play games; don’t make excuses.
So let’s say that you have a hard time interpreting social cues from the men you’re dating. If this is the case, I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 red flags or signs that your Mr. Right is probably Mr. Wrong!
10 Red Flags That Tell You He’s Just Not That Into You
He doesn’t return your calls—If your man is not returning your calls, or if it seems that you’re the one who’s constantly initiating contact, then he’s probably not that interested in you. Sure you make excuses that he’s busy with his high-powered job, or that he’s spending the weekend with his children, or visiting his elderly parents, but trust me, he has a cell phone. He can send a text, take two minutes while on the drive to give you a buzz. So if he’s not returning your calls or worse, not calling you in the first place, keep on moving.
He doesn’t make time for you—Yes, we know. He’s a busy man. He’s a very successful workaholic in a high-powered job and barely has time for himself. These are the excuses that you will make because you want to keep the relationship going. But ask yourself this: does he make time to be with his friends? Does he go to happy hour or parties with his friends? If the answer is a resounding yes, then, this gentleman is not into you. He’s making no effort to take you out, to wine and dine you, and to make you feel special. Remember that men like to feel like they are the ones chasing that hard-to-get woman, and one of the ways they assert their masculinity and their perceived male superiority is by taking you to nice places and showering with attention. Trust me when I say this, and you can ask any woman who has been married for more than 10 years, that with time, men are not as romantic or attentive as they once were, so if your man is ignoring you from the get-go, this is a one-sided relationship and he’s NOT that into you. Dump him.
He talks openly about other women—okay, so not only is this a HUGE red flag that he’s not into you, but it’s blatantly disrespectful to you. Even if you have agreed to date other people at first and are not exclusively dating, any man who talks to you about other women that he’s dating is clearly not seeing you as someone that’s long-term relationship material. He’s seeing you as a friend or worse, totally not placing a lot of value on your feelings and emotions. And PLEASE, don’t make excuses for him by saying to yourself that he’s doing this to make you jealous. You are deluding yourself. Get away from this cad as fast as you can.
He doesn’t introduce you to his friends—seriously?? Why wouldn’t he introduce you to his friends? I know you’ve told your friends all about this little gem of a guy that you’ve met. Oh, but you tell yourself that men are different. Men are not emotional and that men don’t talk to their friends about the women they’re serious about. Really? Not! If this dude is not asking you out when he goes out with his friends, if you don’t even know who any of his friends are, then he’s keeping you hidden from view because either a) he’s already in a relationship and you are the other woman, or b) you’re just a pass-time lover, a hook up and he doesn’t need to bring you into his circle of friends since he knows you won’t be around long term. And by the way, I didn’t even bother to write about how he doesn’t introduce you to his family because, let’s face it, how obvious is that?
He’s critical of you—This one really gets my hackles up. Why would a man who is interested in you criticize you or try to change you in any way, especially if you’ve just started dating? This is huge. Many women with low self-esteem will think they have to change things about themselves to please a man they’ve just met. Does he tell you you’re too overweight? Maybe he’s not blunt, but gives you passive aggressive hints that you’d look better if you dropped a few pounds? How about correcting the way you speak? The way you dress? Don’t put up with this type of toxic behavior from a potential mate. They either like you for who you are or they don’t.
He’s only interested in the physical—okay, so be careful with this one. Many of my girlfriends are with a man who only wants them for the occasional hook-up or the 2:00 a.m. booty call. While this may feel good at first, being with them in an intimate way, you’re setting yourself up to get hurt and get dumped. NO man who wants a serious relationship uses a woman for sex. The problem is that some women think that the way to a man’s heart is through his penis. And this is not true when you are first establishing parameters, boundaries, and expectations that can make the potential relationship grow into one that has a long-term commitment.
He doesn’t initiate contact—This one is right up there with the one where he doesn’t return your calls. If you are the one who is constantly initiating contact with your new man, then girlfriend, you need to take a step back and follow the no contact rule for at least a week or two. Yes, I know this is probably difficult to do, since you really, really like this person, but show him that you’re not desperate. Think of it as a test. If he does not call you, then he’s probably not that into you. (Unless of course he has a legitimate excuse like he’s in a coma in a county hospital.) If your man is not making an effort to call you, to see you, to take you out, then find someone else.
He gets irritated easily—People who get irritated easily are ticking time bombs, in my book. If you’re with a man who has a bad temper and lashes out at you for the smallest things, I’d say, run for the hills. Not only is this gent not into you but he has the potential to verbally and even physically abuse you. Now, I’m not saying that every man or woman, for that matter, who gets irritated easily, will be an abuser, but people who have a short fuse can develop anger issues and don’t know how to cope with life’s little stressors. If your new boyfriend is constantly snapping at you or lashing out at you, you need to have a frank conversation and let him know you’re not going to put up with his behavior. But know that some men are passive aggressive and will not come out and tell you that they’re not interested in you anymore. They’d rather be rude and mean and let you do the breaking up. Take note of this and interpret it as a possible sign that he’s not that into you.
He doesn’t take you out in public-Okay, do I really even need to talk about this one? Unless he is a hermit and you are a candidate to be his “hermitess” this doesn’t need any further discussion. End of story. Done.
He doesn’t put pictures of both of you on social media—Ooh, aren’t you glad we live in a world where we are inundated with all sorts of social media and we can check out other people’s social media’s accounts to see who they really are, who they’re with, and what they’ve done? Yes, I know you’re being a creeper but it’s important to see if your new man is showing you off. If this new guy you are dating does not post pictures of you two on his social media accounts, then this is definitely a red flag. Now, I’m not saying that selfies of the first date you go must be plastered all over Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and any other social media site that I’ve overlooked (because by the way, that’s a subject for another post. If he’s too eager or clingy, that’s not a good sign, either), but posting pictures of you on social media is equivalent to him introducing you to his friends and family. It somehow makes it official.
It’s Time to Face The Truth
Coming to the realization that a guy you’re dating is really not that into you can be disappointing, to say the least. But it’s better to nip a relationship in the bud when you know it’s one-sided and there’s no mutual interest in building something long-term or solid.
If my friend Christine had listened to her intuition, observed the social cues, and followed the 10 signs listed above, she would have saved herself heartache and lost time.